Virtually everyone 50 or so on dating sites has been divorced. And yet, everyone says, “I come with no baggage and I don’t you to have any, either.”
This is hilarious to me.
Let’s get personal.
If you filed for divorced, there were things that you wanted or didn’t want, and it was serious enough that you decided a promise to your mate, to the state, and to God could and should be broken.
Those were some serious promises you made on the alter, and yet what happened was bad enough for you to cast them aside.
I’m not judging you.
I’m just saying that you have some darn big scars and for the rest of your life you will be somewhat sensitive in the areas that caused you to file for divorce. And it doesn’t matter the issue. He/she may have cheated on you, may have verbally abused you, may have hit you, may have ignored you emotionally or sexually… Doesn’t matter. You will be fearful of your next mate doing these things, and you will be extra vigilant… even possibly to the point of overreacting when something looks dangerously close to what happened before.
Is this ringing true at all?
I hope so.
And whether we like it or not, that’s baggage.
Now, if you were divorced, as in my case, there were things that you (I) needed to do or did do that were sufficiently painful to your (my) mate that he/she decided to break all those deep promises. Hopefully, we will have examined ourselves and asked, why did I do, or not do, what was wanted and needed of me? Something in me was clearly not sufficiently empathetic, sufficiently giving, or sufficiently sacrificial.
Again, I’m not judging. Believe me I’m not… Because I fall into this category…
I’m just saying that you (I) had a part in your (my) mate’s displeasure and, had you (I) loved as God wants us to love, things would have been at different. Maybe he would have still cheated on you, but the relationship would have been different and perhaps better.
Now, I know lots of women get cheated on because their husbands have two heads and the lower one takes over… And then he files for divorce.
I realize this can be without any real “fault” of any kind on the wife’s part. I get that. But, cheated on wives can too easily let that obliterate the certain reality that they, too, could have been better.
So, if they look closely, and see, they will hopefully discover some “baggage,” even if it’s just a clutch purse.
My point is, anyone who is divorced has scars. And scars mean there is baggage—with the increased likelihood of future drama.
Protestations to the contrary, notwithstanding.
The key, again, is to find a new mate willing to join you in working through each other’s baggage. As the Casting Crowns sang: “If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine…
Could healing still be spoken and save us…
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together”